This morning I am at peace. I’m sitting here wondering why I’m feeling a peace. Am I still in the grip of my sleeping cocktail? I’m not pacing, I’m sitting here at the breakfast table talking into the microphone built into my phone. I’m watching the words scroll across the screen. Amazing, Grandmother would never understand this or even believe it.
This morning there were no harsh words between us, what a welcome relief. Her parting words to me as she was heading out the door to Minneapolis for work, were simple and gentle “make sure you have a plan!”
Excellent advice, and it wasn’t long after that when my brain started perking. I didn’t have a plan to write, I never do but once it begins it seems as if there is never really an end. And now, after 3 days of rewrites and self editing and massaging the words to make a clear thought, I wonder to what end. God only knows, so I’ll let him be the judge.
Evenings here in the upper mid-west between October and April are tough on me. Six months of mornings seem dominated by darkness. Day after day, strung out beneath what seems like endless ocean of heavy low gray clouds. It’s as dark when I wake up as when going to bed at night.
This morning is not like the majority of my mornings. Most often I am unable to think clear let alone have a plan. Too often I’m not so subtlety wearing an attitude from something of last night, or yesterday that caused a considerable amount of anxiety (read anger) between the her and I.
It seems as if my mornings are a battle with the darkness. There is a recurring dark morning mode where I am just too weak to play the Good Wolf Bad Wolf game. Think hung over. Think Rocky up against the ropes. Although today I am not up against the ropes. I’ve won round one.
This morning my mood is low-key but not down. I’m not chained to the negative thinking that usually begins around 5am when the wake up activity of other occupants takes place. Showering and slamming microwave doors, scraping kitchen table chairs across the floor.
This morning comes with a blessed reprieve. I’ve got better than average chance for clear thinking. How can that be? Is there a lesson here? Perhaps this mornings milder mood is due to the anxiety and anger that went down last night, where too quickly I succumbed to that which I mentally and physically feel I need to try to avoid, but I didn’t avoid.
With very little thought given, I plunged right in and took the easy way out. Half of that one, four of those, three-quarters of that one and 8oz of water. My doctor prescribed cocktail for sleep. Reminiscent of that 1950s TV show, Victory At Sea, damn the torpedos full speed ahead.
I put on my sound dampening headphone, pull up a playlist of a hypnotic ambiance music and dive towards sleep. Mission accomplished.