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Mr. Sixty Four ponders: Can the possibilities that in all this he is writing here be the effect of a flow of confidence and desire made hotter by bicycling endorphins? How does rekindling a fire that has gone to ash really work? Can he get back on the stage with a band, with a guitar in his hand, in front of a mic, and do the best he can do until his voice tires, dries and fades to a rasp and still be accepted, even after he’s rejected those people who stood by him in his decline?

Tonight he sits on his couch as he does every night, reading fiction, cop books, Charles Dickens, James Lee Burke, as well as bike magazines, annoyed by his wife’s TV noise in the other room as she sits hypnotized by housewives of Atlanta, LA, New Jersey.

His mind plays his songs, Changes and RearrangementsOne Heart At A Time, Simple Song and Mo Questions as well as 15 or 20 others that just need a tweaking, an updating and commitment of time, his time as well as others yet unknown. Time to rehearse and go beyond practice and enter into ‘the flow’, to know the song like lovers know each other. Obstacles abound. For another example there are the limited selection of places to perform in this day in age in this new way he envisions and hears the music he hears in his heart. The times they have changed, and are a changing. Are there any new tricks in the old dog? Is there magic in believing? Can he put his mind to what he can do, and over come the thinking of what he can’t do?

He must keep this simple. Can he? He needs to! Will he share it? Of that he’s not sure this Mr. Sixty Four.

Again! He’s feeling like he wants to play music again. Why does he feel this way? Because he seems to have found a sense of himself again? And how has this come about? He’s thinking it’s the bicycle. He bikes, he feels young, he feels capable, he feels passion. He feels endorphins. Better than the drugs he once relied on. It’s been good this biking.  No, not Olympic, not at 64, but it’s a healing for sure. And what has it healed? His loss of confidence. His feeling of inadequacy.

If he pursues this re-pursuit of an old passion called music there will be mountains to climb, more than one gauntlet to traverse. To reenter the fray of them that’s got their MOJO working will be anxiety laced. Most of the gigs are taken. The smallest of venues  book a year in advance. All the players have previous priorities. The juxtapositional effect of subbing for one whose motivation in only monetary can break even the most committed. Song arrangements need to be worked out and committed too and will only be as strong as the weakest, all suffer if there are not those who will ‘stick’. A sticky situation that always seemed to get stinky.

There is one man in all the land who offers him support both spiritually and musically. This friend seems sticky. Yeah for sure they’ve had their rough spots both personally and musically, but, the bond still holds. There’s been depression that at times owned both of them and acted as a perpetrator of ill feelings. And feelings mean so much to those who live to feel. Still, this one musical friend seems to work through his depression and carries on. He contains his demon and still maintains a high-profile, respect of his peers while earning a living making music. His passion of music lives and he lives through it. To have passion is to live beyond the six o’clock news and delve the deeper sense being.

Mr. Sixty Four would hate himself if he passed without trying one more time to do what he did (no fool he, he knows full well nothing can be done again the same as it was, nor should it).  He is not in his fifties anymore, he’s Mr. Sixty Four.

A man who happened to stumble onto a recording of Mr. Sixty Four in the cut out bin in a used record/book story contacted him and expressed that this recording is second on his favorite ‘to listen to list’ next to From the Cradle by Clapton. Mr. Sixty Four told him to call the EMT’s immediately cause what he was hearing was very disorienting and he fear’d that the man was delusional. Mr. Fan inform’d him that the words to the songs he heard on Mr. Sixty Fours recording, as well as the powerful ‘real’ performance of them were about as fine as anything he’s ever heard. Even though it was done in the mid 90’s. It’s truth is truth even today in 2012.

A voice speaks to Mr. Sixty Four:
‘Sing to and for the listener, get the listener in front of you when you write and when you perform. Our lives are intertwined and at a point they converge. What happened to you Mr. Sixty Four is you took yourself way to seriously, sure, you wrote about yourself but with all the hoopla and the hype, you forgot your source, The Source. You no longer believe what others believed of you. Your mind and body just shut down. You fell apart. You ran away to hide and were swallowed up by anxiety and bathed in self-pity.
So how’s the hiding going MSF?’

Does Mr. Sixty Four really long to hear the songs he’s written play’d again? Can he feel the words and music for them as well as for him. It’s the classic question, can one reinvent oneself?

There are so many reasons for this reinvention to not work. Surly it’s a different time, a different age almost. Much has happened since the 90’s to make the making of music simultaneously better and worst. Music making has been trivialized and minimized by over saturation. Under achievers are over sold and iThis and iThat have made better men than Mr. Sixty Four throw in their hat, hang up their ax and go fishing. or sit on a couch and read.

Mr. Sixty Four remembers affectionately being affirmed by more than just one that his unique way of performing other people’s songs (covers) is really his strong point. That hurts his song writing ego. Words like those are an arrow to the heart, a piercing to his soul. If this new found hope to do it “one mo time’ is to happen, he must grow up and surrender, bless his gift such as it is. Embrace the Grace God has Given.

Sometimes you need to break something to fix it. Has Mr. Sixty Four been broken enough to fix what ails him this evening? It’s not all that interesting but true, that the thing that ails him is not unique to him. Many are lost, many have lost the drive to pursue and drive their life forward. Paradise Lost makes is so much more of a challenge not only when sixty four, but always when you’re unsure.

So, lets close with a song shall we?:

Time will let us know © 1984

I don’t know where to begin;
the changes come from within me
They say the past makes up the future,
but at last I don’t know

I don’t know, if it is real
or if it’s something that is
just gonna pass with time
But I know you know, I ain’t too happy,
emotions driving me out of my mind

Time will let us know,
Time will let us know,
Time will let us know,
For you and me

I don’t know,
there ain’t no explanation
Changes they come and they go
Fighting—fighting’s not the answer
Time will let us know,
time will rule the show for you and me

I don’t know, what I am feeling,
it’s very strange even to me
But the one who loves,
is slowly dying, the one who lives
wants to be free

Time will let us know,
Time will let us know,
Time will let us know,
For you and me