Hello! I’ve just discovered I’m lost again
How can this be happening again?
I’ve pray’d the prayers, but alas, they must be by design and vain
My stream of consciousness is a tempest pool, a river of selfishness, I’m in a mess
Reading is tedious, unfocused, and redundant. How many books on salvation must I read to be saved to know it is by grace we are saved, my eyes blur, multi-task reading on how to feel worthy.
TV is hocus-pocus, my spouse finds relaxation and relativity in it, I find garbled words, flashing lights with cars and beer ads over abundantly interjected just when I might have gotten into what ever point the show was showing. I give her the remote and exit back to reading, which, if you remember I’m finding tedious, unfocused, and redundant. I’m in a mess.
In Church today the music was real, there was an ocean of emotion and tears and clapping and then I lost it, like I was whisked to the crying room with the kids. Blasted out and left to be looking in.
Perhaps the sermon on the 7 deadly sins pricked me like a pin and infected me with an overdose of truth:
There must be an 8th deadly sin that’s killing me. It’s the 8 wounder of the world, the one that has me trapped, blinded by darkness in such a way that I can’t see or account for my real value but only my sin.
PRIDE? Truly I have marginal belief in my own abilities, such as these meandering words attest to so well.
ENVY? Na! Don’t’ want what you got, you aint’ happy with it, how could I be. (but now I see you and your faith and you seem so happy in it, I could be guilty of envy of your passionate faith)
GLUTTONY? I have no desire to eat or consume more than I require, but wait! my weight does not a line with that last line of defense.
LUST? Maybe in the day, but these days I’m too tired,
ANGER? I’m too tired,
GREED? Wealth? money? unless found at this time in my life it takes too much energy, ‘getting rich’?, ha ha, it’s an infomercial.
Ah Ha, SLOTH!!!
I’m sloth, lazy, and see no purpose in driving myself and my life towards the pride envy gluttony lust anger and greed that ruled the largest part of my 64 years, 9 months and 12 days.
Maybe the 8th deadly sin is not believing. Not not believing in God, but in my self and my position as an aging kid of a King who has the source of all energy, He himself available to me.
This is all so confusing. I’m confusing myself in an attempt to figure out what’s confusing me and what’s missing. Well then, maybe nothing is missing. Maybe it’s that dastard tool of the devil, depression again, in high gear, blinding my eyes to not see and my ears to not hear the music of life and the truth of living.
If that’s it, really then, it’s ok. It’s not as bad as think it is.
Maybe the purpose driving my life that I can’t see is that to slow the pace, stop for moments at a time and listen. You know the next line, Be still and know that I am God!
If I’m listening to me, and my Father is listening to me, then we are in conversation. Is that not the greatest purpose to have? To be in communion and conversation with my Father, it be in confession and un obsessed with perfection?
I am to the point now where I know my imperfection is really kind of perfect. I am perfectly imperfect and at 64 years, 9 months and 12 days the learning goes on, and on, and on, just as the step in the walk to know my place in Gods plan.
Ok, call this pride if ya wanna, but at this moment in my 64 years, 9 months and 12 days, I’m feeling better that I did when I started. Maybe it’s is just that easy, converse, confess and move on.
Thank you Father.