Surrendering is not easy, not knowing is frustrating, fear is debilitating and fuels my depression.
If you God are the author and authority, how is it that you give me such freedom to rebel? That one really perplexes me. I hazard a guess as to how, but I’d be a complete ego fool to say I know.
I’m weighted down with the who what when where and why of your design Lord and the ease with which I slip and bow to depression. Knowledge in my case is not power, faith is, power, and faith alone. Ah, but we are a community I’m told over and over by the preachers and teachers that we can not love God or do His will solo. Tough on we isolationist.
Some are of the mind that the why is only important to the past and the how is all important to the future. But what of the now, this moment, now this moment, now this moment. That’s not a skip in the record (for those of you who remember the scratch’d grooves in vinyl) How will I spend my day of moments. —I live—I breath—I am alive.
I can hear them now, It’s not about you!!!! Well, if I weren’t here none of this would matter, and in some respects even though I am here none of this matters, but it does seem to matter to me. I don’t know, I don’t get it either, this being or not being, this self or non-self. Put yourself on a shelf and live for others—ok, got it. But I don’t get it.
From my bed I crawl with 64 year old aches and pains I carried in my back and knees like the ID in my pocket. From bed to breakfast, to standing at my front room window facing east with a mug of hot black French Press in hand, acting as my own personal meteorologist, determining my prognostication of this days weather, internally and externally and how it will effect me, the humidity, the humility, the humanity, the insanity of trying to understand a world gone mad. Where up is down and out is in and over and over I am bound and free’d from sinning to sin again.
A shudder thought attacks me, there is no anticipation of or for anything special for me today. There is no plan or obligations. With lightning like speed my one time desires, to be free from mundane obligations turn my house into a prison. No reason for this living this life today, no big ‘deal’, no grand plan or scheme of, for, or by a occupation where profit becomes the Prophet. None of any that exist for me—in this freedom—in chains.
Dickens wrote in his scriptural tale of Scrooge when he encounterd Marley (not Bob), and his profound words echoed in his specter filled room, ‘MANKIND IS MY BUSINESS!’ Funny how we remember lines from things that bump our soul in the night.
‘MANKIND IS MY BUSINESS!’ Now there is a mountain fore me to clime. Too much thinking to soon before caffein kicks in causes grounding that defies gravity and abducts my simple thoughts and turns them into a conundrum, or is it complexities.
What do ya think Chuck?
Lets move on, or back.
Moreover, when God gives any man wealth and possessions,(A) and enables him to enjoy them,(B) to accept his lot(C) and be happy in his work—this is a gift of God.(D)
There it is. Open the Word a map and for my direction today is to be happy with the wealth and possession I have—now— and enjoy them.
I look see and refer to the underlined words above (here, I’ll help): there is no anticipation of or for anything special for me today. There is no plan or obligations.
I mind trip by all this this that my life is played out on a stage and it is vacant and waiting for props and a new play to begin, “NOW OPENING, FIRST TIME ON STAGE— TODAY!!!!
I am free to do something or nothing. I am free but still the nagging negative wench, Ms. Depression, seed’s my thought with nothing is free! Oh how she loves me. Her caress is a curse. I turn my face away, she will not touch my lips to plant a poison kiss on my soul today. Hey! Now there’s a goal, ha ha. Yo, it is not a laughing matter.
Today, in my day there are no to-do’s. So, this moment right now Lord I make a plan to do the things I do and be 90% mindful of YOU! 100% would mean I was perfect. That perfectionism is a sure fire seed for failure. I won’t let that tempting taste (an ingredient of her kiss) touch me or act as desert before the meal. That fall will surely cause the curtain to fall before even Act 1 were to begin.
Leaves of summers trees dance in freedoms breeze. Clouds colored pastels are submitting to a sun whose purpose is to shine, to warm and give new life. Renewed. The sun/son burns off my anxiety and I am free to think and perhaps a thought will become a dream and a dream will become reality, a real reality, not one promoted as a seasons new hit TV show.
So there now is my script for today, my lines for today show and tell……
—LIFE IS A DREAM—NO NIGHTMARES TODAY! LET THE CARTOONS BEGIN!
I confess in humbleness this effort is a struggle and hardly even make sense to me. I’m jammin, it’s improvisation, word jazz, all done with out even the benefit of a high school education, (that I’m sure you can already tell) but at least I’m trying to be not dying, not crying, or giving up and giving in to her again—Queen
Deceit. I told her a blog or two ago— “I will face you and fight you and defy your control over me and this by my God is me combating you! One small step for a man,………
Hello May 17th!