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prequel:

A man only begins to be a man when he ceases to whine and revile, and commences to search for the hidden justice which regulates his life. And as he adapts his mind to that regulating factor, he ceases to accuse others as the cause of his condition, and builds himself up in strong and noble thoughts; ceases to kick against circumstances, but begins to use them as aids to his more rapid progress, and as a means of discovering the hidden powers and possibilities within himself.

Allen, James (2009-10-04). As a Man Thinketh (p. 26). Public Domain Books. Kindle Edition. 

Depression is and ugly wretch
whose stolen into my house,
whose silky voice hides a razor,
whose breasts are tempting but
when touched, leach the life
out of tired old fools like me

I’m too old to commit suicide
death will come soon enough
when it’s time

It’s just this damnable darkness
the in-betweeness of
her and I, (or is it me and her….?)
that we have to put up with

“I will not die but live” (Psalm 118:17). Even when the opposite seems to be true, we should be able to say, “Whenever I feel helpless, I can put my trust in God, who is able to make everything out of nothing. When I am totally devastated, no one can lift me up again the way he can.”

Luther, Martin; Galvin, James C. (2009-05-19). Faith Alone: A Daily Devotional (p. 128). Zondervan. Kindle Edition.

My apologies for this sappy self-pity party, really,
Is it even important enough
to be called a travesty, which is what it is?
This is not a simple matter my dear.
“what’s the matter honey?” is a true
honest question that can’t be answered here
on the battle field of depression

I ramble and rumble
and wear a purple heart on my chest
while on the march to through this
battle field of depression……
the war rages on.

My best friend who is confined to his own cell
say’s I like to suffer
I say no, but if suffer I must
I am going to put it to work,
I will beat the devil at his own game!

I face her, the dark queen, with what she wants me to fear.
I’ll bang bad chords on my guitar
and make nonsense sound classical
and to my brides untrained ear it’s beautiful,
how sweet that moment of cease fire

If this is an emergency?
yes, it’s an emergency, emerging emergency
since the beginning of my time
again and again, rearing her ugly head,
why else would a 64 year old man be thinking
dead!

“Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him” (James 1:12).

Luther, Martin; Galvin, James C. (2009-05-19). Faith Alone: A Daily Devotional (p. 128). Zondervan. Kindle Edition

Has she past? Have I been successful in evicting
the queen of darkness from my room?
So it would seem for now!
But she will return again,
then again, then again
when again I’m called to duty
to fight like a trench soldier on God’s side

Time now is back, it again belongs to me
won with thoughts and prayers of my own
and those of others who’ve gone before me
to supply my needing needs,
I choose my weapons, words,
in this war for my soul.

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